UW-Madison nerds were dealt a serious blow as fire officals struggle to find the cause of the Sigma Phi Epsilon fire last night. The fire is still under investigation but authorities believe the well known Sig-ep and all american offensive lineman Fred Palowakski is a person of interest. According to students, things started getting crazy around 11:00 PM when Palowakski was entertaining partygoers with his infamous vodka fireballs to chants of his nickname -- Ogre. Well things got out of hand and the fire spread to the curtains and later lead to the complete destruction of the house.
Burdoned with the pressures of finding residences for 25 of the university's star athletes, UW-Madison Dean of students -- Lori Berquam (under pressure from UW football coach Bret Bielema) was forced to move the star athletes into Sellery Hall. Also known as the "nerd dorm." Former residents had their belongings scattered across the quad as they were forced to evacuate and take shelter in the nearby Kohl center until further notice.
When approached for comment about this apparent injustice, Sig-ep and greek counsil president Stan Gable simply stated, "NERDS!"
Nerd descrimination has long been an issue at UW-Madison and current enrolled nerds -- Lewis Skolnik and Gilbert Lowell plan to change that. "I just wanted to say that I'm a nerd, and I'm here tonight to stand up for the rights of other nerds. I mean uh, all our lives we've been laughed at and made to feel inferior. And tonight, those bastards, they trashed our house. Why? Cause we're smart? Cause we look different? Well, we're not. I'm a nerd, and uh, I'm pretty proud of it." Says Lowell. Skolnik adds, "I'm a nerd too. I just found that out tonight. We have news for the beautiful people. There's a lot more of us then there are of you. I know there's alumni here tonight. When you went to Adams you might've been called a spazz, or a dork, or a geek. Any of you that have ever felt stepped on, left out, picked on, put down, whether you think you're a nerd or not, why don't you just come down here and join us. Okay? Come on."
Many believe this may be the start of a nerd revolution. With the support of Lambda lambda lambda's national chapter Skolnik and Lowell strive to make it onto the Greek counsil and change things at UW-madison once and for all.
Oh, and the brewers won. I was at that game sitting right on the first baseline. You see that error by Kennedy? I totally caused that by calling for the ball at the last minute. You're welcome.
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